My waste days

Annoyingly, it was already 11 when I woke up this morning. Last night's sleep was not bad, but I wasn't happy for my vanished morning. Later I had my lunch; after eating, I found myself glued to my television for watching a dumb show for hours. Right when I wanted to seriously kick off my new day by doing something worthwhile like reading a book, I felt sleepy again. Fuck. I needed to take a nap so badly that I couldn't even think of doing anything else.

It's the end of the month, my October is a waste. The whole month is just so uneventful, and I've been a slacker. I go to school three hours a week, besides that, I'm totally free. Plenty of free time, I wish I could have done something meaningful, engaging and fun. But there's just so little happening every day. There're many bloggers in Hangzhou, I get to know their lives from reading their blogs. They're not necessarily happy, but nobody lives like me, at least they've got something to do, and their lives are full. I read over what I've written lately, I hardly ever talk about something like what I've done today, who I hang out with, what's my life like… Not that I don't want to mention them, but my daily life is just so blank. If I stayed at home, my regular day would be like-- get up at about nine in the morning... turn on the computer… have my lunch...watch TV... take a nap... have dinner... watch TV...stay on the web... go to bed in the early morning... Isn't it boring? No, I'm not bored, and something ironical-- I feel busy: I'm too busy to read some books I always want to read, too busy to meet some friends I haven't gotten in touch for months, too busy to go to park with my mom (which I promised her weeks ago), too busy to chat with some of you on IM… It seems I don't have time to do any task that I set out for myself. I have six free days every week, but I-- don't--have--time. What a loser. It could take me a couple of hours to write a new entry or an email, half hour to leave a comment, a whole afternoon to make a simple webpage...; I'm incredible inefficient. And it's hard to focus on what I am working on at the moment. Take reading online for instant. Though I spend lots of time on the Internet, I don't read that much. I read pretty slowly, when I find something is difficult to read, I give it up very soon and move to a new site…

These are my waste days. I don't enjoy living like this at all, but I've fallen in to such bad habits for too long, while I'm still at home, I'd never make too much big changes. I desperatedly need something to break my stupid life, to force myself into doing something more meaningful. Nine more months, I'll graduate, and I'll get out of here. Lately I'm getting a little bit impatient of waiting. But luckily, winter vacation is coming. Chinese New Year is Jan.22th this year, very early. So winter break would start from early January I guess. Good, two more months, I'll have another long vacation for travel. I know once I'm in different places, I'll be a different person, not that lazy, not that aimless. Even if I got bored, I could move and move to make my life momentarily interesting. Waiting.

Elliot Smith

Elliot Smith is dead, he killed himself. He's a talented singer-songwriter, I like his music a lot. His death shocked me and made me really depressed.

Some songs from Elliot Smith(mp3s):
Say Yes
Miss Misery
Speed Trials
Some Song
Between The Bars
Needle In The Hay



Song Mei ling

My friend Stephen mentioned another news in comment: Song Mei ling is dead, she was 106. As the wife of Chiang Kai-shek's, Song Mei-Ling was once the most influential woman in China. I did notice her death that day (23rd, Oct.), but my reaction was so unemotional it barely deserved mention. I heard Elliot Smith's death that morning. I was sad, I spent hours listening to his songs. Then during the lunch time, I heard Song Mei ling is also dead. But I didn't felt sad or anything. I was just thinking, "Okay, she's dead...Wow, she's already 106. How could she live so long??" I got to know Song Mei ling from history books, movies, newspapers... No matter how much she changed China, she's just some figure from books or screen. I don't really care if she's alive or dead or how's her life like. "What's your favorite person in Chinese history?""Who do you respect most?" I've been asked the questions like these many times. Who?? I don't know. I guess nobody. Really. Why should I respect them? Should I respect Mao Zedong for what he's done for China's revolution? Should I respect Deng Xiao ping for his efforts to China's devolvement? Should I respect Jiang Ze Ming because he came up with Three Represent's theory? Screw that. No matter how great they're, I barely know them. So far I don't have any favorite historical figure. I'd probably respect some specific achievements some people have done, but I'd never respect anyone for what my history books tell me or what the media shows me.

Elliot Smith is barely known here and he's never achieved anything special. But to me, he's much more important than Song Mei ling. He's just some guy who makes music, I don't really know him as well, but at times music is more real than history. And instead of what that person has done to the world, what matters more is how much the person we like affects us personally.

My handwriting is awful

This kinda sucks. No, I'm not saying my handwriting sucks, my Chinese handwriting is very bad indeed, but I think it's perfectly Okay to me. I've never felt ashamed that I can't write Chinese characters beautifully, I even think my handwriting looks cute. What does my handwriting look like? Well, it's pretty much like how kids or foreigners write Chinese. It's very easy to read, and I never run strokes together. I like my handwriting, I know it looks awful by a Chinese standard, but it's unique, and in some way it shows who I am. So I don't feel like practicing handwriting or trying to write better. But everywhere I go, my handwriting is something to be laughed at. "Is this your handwriting? AAHHGG, it's so ugly!" "Hahaha...are you a kid or something?...How possibly could an adult write like this!" "No kidding, many foreigners writer better than you!"... Yeah, I know, I know how ugly my handwriting looks, but hey, what I write by hand is easy to read, right? We write for communicating, you can read my Chinese characters without any problem, that's all we need! Chinese calligraphy is a cool art, but for daily life, something like cursive script is not even readable. I have a hard time reading cursive Chinese characters. What I write today looks almost the same as what I wrote when I was in elementary school, partly because I'm too lazy to practice handwriting, partly because I like the way I write and don't really want to improve it. Handwriting used to be very important in China, today it's not a big deal because we mostly use computer instead of writing by hand, but in some cases, you'll still be judged if your handwriting is too bad. Like people laugh at me every now and then, I usually don't care, but this time is different--

I mentioned I wanna be a Chinese tutor, and I've been looking for people who want to learn Chinese. Last week, I posted some ads in the foreign students building of my school. There're about 500 Chinese learners there, I thought I'd have a better chance to get some students. My ads were handwritten, it wasn't nice handwriting, but to me it looked tidy and clear. My friends suggested it'd be better to type them up, but my printer was run out of ink, and sometimes words printed in paper seem cold and boring, so I wrote the flyers myself and posted them in their classrooms. One week has gone, I've been waiting, but only one person called me. Why? I've heard many students there are looking for Chinese tutors. Didn't they see my flyers? Weren't they interested? I just couldn't figure it out.

But today I found out the answer from my Spanish teacher Leticia who's also learning Chinese at Zhejiang University. Actually many of her classmates did see my ad, and they were even talking about it. Know what they were talking about? Yes, my handwriting. They thought my handwriting was ugly, and they seriously doubted about my Chinese ability by that handwriting. And-- their Chinese teacher agreed with them totally. Unbelievable!!! Just because my handwriting is bad doesn't mean there's something wrong with my Chinese. My Chinese is good, my English is all right, and I'm an interesting person. How could they assume my Chinese wouldn't be good by my handwriting? It's not fair! I could make better-looking flyers by computer, I'm the same person, but would they get interested in me then? Now many of them were not only showing zero-interest in me, but laughing at me. Unbelievable! I'm being laughed by non-Chinese who're learning Chinese. How could such thing happen!

I've found some tutoring work anyway. People I've met: Kushi who is from India, bec who is from US, Kevin who is from Korea. And I've started learning Spanish lately, my teacher Leticia is from Spain, we also speak Chinese a lot. They're all very nice, and from them, I've been getting a new view about Chinese language, I'll write more about it later...

Big Construction Site

I went out to see fireworks last night. No, I went out to see crowds last night, yes, I really did. And it was insane-- there were more than 800,000 people around West Lake area, I'd never ever seen so many people in the streets. How's that like? Well, I'd say it was an experience.

The fireworks show is one part of West Lake Expo. Since five years ago, Hangzhou holds that expo every year, and it becomes a big festival for Hangzhou people. I'm sure West Lake Expo is beneficial to local economy and tourism, but what I don't like about this festival is it's turning Hangzhou into a big construction site.

If you visited HZ in September (never do it!), you'd find out HZ is incredibly messy and dirty. Why? Because HZ is preparing for National Day Holiday and West Lake Expo which lasts weeks. Then when does that preparing work get started? -- Early that year. So in recent years HZ actually spends three fourth time busily working on giving the city a new look for October. The whole city is changing fast, construction sites are everywhere: Old buildings are being knocked down, new (ugly) buildings are standing up, artificial sceneries are being built around West Lake, most universities are moving to their new home far away from downtown, new roads are being paved... A couple of years ago, I was thinking: good, the development of HZ would be speeded up by West Lake Expo. But now, I was wondering when the development will be ended. If I saw a new project under construction--"Not again!" That'd be my first reaction. On the surface, we're developing fast, and our city looks more modern, but it costs: pollution, noises, messy and dusty street... During the day, the sky is grey most days around the year; at night, the stars are hardly seen. In the meantime, more people rush into Hangzhou which makes the city crowded and the traffic problem worse, and the housing prices here are going up crazily. What's the future of Hangzhou? I kinda miss the former Hangzhou, quiet and less crowded; I don't yet know how the development would effect HZ in the long term. Now, living in this big construction site, I'm just getting bored by the endless development. Maybe the period would eventually pass, someday we might be satisfied with everything we've done and stop making too much new. But when would that day come? I want to disappear for a while, then come back after the construction work is all over.

That's one of the reasons why I like Western China so much. That area is less developed, so it's not a complete construction site yet. But what's the tomorrow of West? Would they experience what Eastern China has been getting throug someday? Today Wild West is still my harbor, and I hope they could find better ways to develop-- more well-planned and efficient ways.

It's odd since I'd never felt in this way before my visit to western China, but since I went back home two weeks ago, the roads here seemed crazy and dangerous to me, and I felt insecure walking in the streets as if I'd be hit by some car or bike at any moment. And, crowds made me dizzy. So I wanted to go out last night. The firework show didn't interest me that much, but I was expecting to see crowds. One thing I've learned lately: Once I've experienced the worst, more things will be getting more tolerable. It worked again this time. After having watched fireworks with 800'000 people last night, I feel much better walking in normal streets today, I even get the feeling--hah, the streets are so empty! And hey Hangzhou, I'm finally back.

No patriotism

So they did it-- successfully putting the first Chinese astronaut into space this morning. There's lots of coverage about this on CCTV past couple of hours, and there will be more for sure. A few days ago, the whole mission seemed kinda mysterious, but now, it's time to get massive coverage started. I watched 30 minutes of news during lunch time, long enough to make me bored by their propaganda. This successful launch would probably boost national pride and give some credit to the Communist Party. Am I lacking of patriotism? But I'm just not excited about or proud of the whole project at all ( Anyway, the only cool part of the story: the launch pad is at Jiuquan in western Gansu province, I was there two weeks ago! ). Though they kept the details of the event secret before the launch, I knew Chinese won't fail, as they can't afford a failure which would be a huge lose of face. So the final result isn't a surprise at all. Again, am I not that patriotic? I'm not excited about this launch, as I wasn't excited about Beijing's successful bid for the 2008 Olympics Games. I don't really care if Taiwan is a part of China or not, it's an independent country already. I don't mind if Tibet or Xinjiang separate from China someday, just respect their own choices. I don't see why so many Chinese still hate Japan so much, and why people attract Mcdonald's when the relationship between US and China goes strained... I have to admit I'm not a patriot. Like supporting domestic products by not using the products overseas? No, I will never do such silly things, the qualities of products count. I don't particularly like or dislike any country, not even China, wish there were no boundaries between nations; Chinese and non-Chinese are the same... I love the world.

Naked

I was naked, in front of them. They were naked, in front of me. We, six of us, were naked, in the desert, for taking pictures, or to use their words-- for art. Embarrassed? Not a bit. Fun? Yes!

Naked States, I remember I watched this documentary last year. It's about a New York photographer travels around the U.S, getting volunteers to pose nude for his photo-shoots. His work is awesome ( picture1, picture2, more...). After I watched that DVD, I thought the whole idea was pretty cool, I'd like to join them if I happened to be on the scene. But I guessed such thing would never happen in China today. Asking people to pose nude in public? Hmm, the phototgrpher would probably end up in jail. Even if he got certain permission, I wondered how many Chinese people would be willing to pose nude for photo-shoots. So I figured such a thing would never happen to me. But, hey, I was wrong.

I came across four art students from Lanzhou in inner mongolia, and they became my newest fellows. We six (some guy took his girlfriend) went to a forest together the other morning. This guy wanted his girlfriend to pose nude for him on a whim. Other people all liked this idea as we were in a perfect spot for photographing nature and body images. I was also interested: what a chance! I would never get a model posing nude for me in Hangzhou. But the girl was very shy, and she wasn't feeling liking doing it. Her boyfriend was disappointed, he didn't want to miss this opportunity -- the setting was really good. So he did it himself first -- stripping off to be our model, hoping his girlfriend would follow him. But it didn't work. The girl still insisted on saying no. She said this idea was unacceptable, she couldn't understand this type of art. Her boyfriend didn't give up trying though. he changed the strategy by asking me to pose nude with his girlfriend together. I was at a loss by this sudden request. Yes, I was very interested in photographing his girlfriend because of my curiosity, but as for joining the girl to be their models...hmm...no. Why me? Because I was also a girl? Or I could help that girl feel less uncomfortable? I met them yesterday, we barely knew each other; I didn't have the obligation to do anything for them. I wasn't shy and I did think nudity could be art, but if what they needed was just some female body image, nah, I wouldn't do it. About that documentary, I thought that photographer was cool because in his photos, there were no good looking females, he just shot ordinary human beings: fat, old, bad-looking.... didn't matter at all. And each photo meant something. But for these art students, they paid too much attention on female body. They said it was beauty, but I thought there were more beauties deeper than that. ---" how about we pose nude together?" After some discussions, another guy came up with this idea. Then the silence followed, and I noticed the reluctance written on their faces. This was kinda funny. These art students were trying to persuade others to pose nude for them, but in the first place they were uncomfortable about being nude in front of the camera themselves; they'd never done that before. "If we do it together, I'm in." Yes, I said that. Why not? I had to admit the setting was very good for photo shoots; we had chances to take nice pictures. And I was away from home, I'd like to try something new and unforgettable. Plus, if we did together, I'd have opportunities to photograph them as well. Five nude models, not bad.

So we did it, including that shy girl. In the beginning, I felt a bit awkward, and I could capture their embarrassment as well. But very soon, we were getting more comfortable and finally got over such feeling. In this open desert, we were just six crazy people, young and free. There was nothing to be embarrassed about , because none of us were perfect. Without clothes, we seemed to be closer to our inner selves. We worked together to photograph a series of group images. Art or not, I didn't really care. It seemed they didn't care either. We ended up playing with the sand, running in the desert... Fun.

I haven't told my family about this story, I guess they're not ready for something like this. I still think it's nothing, and glad I had such experience. I've been asking some friends if they'd ever pose nude for art, none of them said yes yet, which made me wonder how many Chinese people would be willing to do it. I once watched a talk show on TV, the guest was a nude model. She wore huge sunglasses, and her long hair covered half of her face. At first I thought she was a prostitute, so she needed such cover-up. Later I knew she was just a model posing nude for art. That was not something to be ashamed of at all, she should have been more confident of herself. Maybe the whole society isn't ready for this, but she wouldn't be someone to be looked down on, would she?

More pictures:

Gansu pictures-- I haven't taken many pictures in Gansu province as the weather there wasn't good, and in some places like Mogao Grottoes, it's not allowed to take pictures.


Some pictures of myself -- I take very few pictures for myself on the road, it's probably the least important thing. Here're some of my pictures.

This town is mesmerizing ...






I shot these pictures in Eji'na, an eastern Inner Mongolia town. Yes, this town is mesmerizing, not only for its natural scenery, but also because it's a real town belonging to the locals rather than a town for tourists.

I found out this town from the Internet a couple of weeks ago. Had never heard of this place, the pictures taken from Eji'na drew my attention and made me want to explore the town myself. I figured most tourist hotspots would be overcrowded during the National Day Holiday week; I wanted to be far away from crowds and cities, so I finally decided to go to Eji'na. 43 hours hard seat train, 9 hours bus, after the long journey, I realized my decision was exactly right: though it was the holiday week, there were still few tourists getting down here. Most people who came to town were professional photographers, as this town was getting a little bit well-known among their circle. The lives of the locals haven't been interrupted by outsiders. There are no gleaming hotels, fancy restaurants, or trendy shops in town, it's just the way it is--- slow and quiet. I lived at a local's house. 10RMB a day, I shared the room with four old photographers from Guangdong. When the owner heard I love watermelon, she gave me free watermelon every day. I was curious when noticing that there were no locks in their doors, and they never locked their cars, motorcycles, bicycles... The owner said it is normal, every family does the same things--it's a very safe place, and they trust each other. There was no running water in my room. Last year, it didn't rain; yes, for the whole year, there was no rain. Water is very precious to them.

The views of the town, as you can see from the pictures, are stunning. I was trying my best to capture what I saw by my camera, but what I captured is still only a small part of the whole scene. It seemed everyone around got a whole set of professional photographic equipment, I was the only one who went there with my little digital camera. Sometimes I did feel a little awkward finding myself standing among professionals , doing my work by simply"click, click and click". But I was sure I had more fun than these photographers. When they were lying on the bed, worried they probably couldn't take any quality pictures back at night, I was going out for a walk, watching the shining stars in an empty road. When they were sitting at the same spot waiting for the sunset, I was happily riding a bicycle borrowed from my room owner, exploring a forest nearby. When they were frustrated they'd just missed opportunities to take masterpiece photos, I was sitting by the river, doing nothing but listening to music... We were different, they'd take better pictures than me, but I had my advantages: while they were working under certain pressure, I was traveling, I was resting, and I was fully relaxed. Like many other people, I used to envy professional photographers, for the freedom they have. But this trip makes me realize if I took photography as a career, I had to take it seriously. So does a travel guide or anything. They won't always be fun, and we have to stick with them to get anywhere. There's no need to envy other people's lives, what we've been dreaming of usually won't get as interesting as we thought. Focusing on our own lives and seizing the moments are far more worthwhile.

Back to Eji'na. Today, it's still its own town, untouched by tourist boom, but what's the future of Eji'na? If more photographers, tourists, even tour groups rushed into the town, what would it be be like? Would the life here still be so simple, would the people here still be so hospitable, would the scenery here still be so close to nature? Tourism can make money, but also ruin this authentic town. I hope this town could always keep being itself, and that's why I like it so much.